{some recent photos. see more on instagram @erykaann}
guys, blogging has been placed on the back burner since these babes arrived. i am sorry but, i am just learning i have hardly any time. my days are busy and hectic at times. i don't know how you mamas blog daily and have families. teach me your ways!!!
can i get real with you all for a little? the last few weeks i have been feeling in over my head. often sad, depressed and dealing with anxiety. i am constantly worrying myself sick about everything. i love my babies but, sometimes i feel like i can't be a good mother to them. i just feel overwhelmed and don't know how to deal with it. i pray constantly for the strength to get through my days and find ways to over come these feelings. sometimes i get angry with my heavenly father for letting me feel this way. everyone says ask for help but honestly i feel like its easier for me to do things myself during the days. when dan is home he is a HUGE help and i love him for that but, he can't be there all day to help he has to work for our little family. being a stay at home mom is something i always longed for. well, here i am living it and it's hard. sure my babes are still little and once they sleep longer than 5 hour stretches things will be easier but, for now my life is too much at times. i find myself jealous of moms who just have one baby. i am quickly reminded how blessed i am to be a mother to the twins. they really are the greatest blessings in my life. the hardest but the greatest.
there is this picture that is painted of new moms being happy 24/7 and having it all together. wearing their put together outfits, full makeup and hair done. i see it everywhere on social media. this image that has been painted isn't true for all of us. of course i am over the moon in love with my babies and i honestly love being a mother it's the best thing that has ever happened to me but yet one of the most trying things. it is SO hard caring for two babies. i don't even want to say this but sometimes i feel like i missed out on just have one baby. my life would be easier and maybe i wouldn't feel this way. even so, i can't picture my life with out henry AND campbell. they were chosen for me and sent to us to raise. i believe that with all my heart.
there are days when i don't get to shower or days when i literally stay in pjs all day. where are those photos on some social media sites? i have a few friends who are mothers who i admire for showing the real every day life through photos. the photos of the messy house, their pjs at 4pm, their un washed hair or their puked stained clothes, or the cans of diet coke they consume to survive the days. that my friends is real life.
it wasn't til this morning i realized maybe i have postpartum depression. i also happen to have a dr's appointment this afternoon for a physical. after a terrible morning of crying and feeling utterly depressed and talking with dan we decided i should bring it up with the doctor. i talked with the doctor for a little and he suggested i take medicine for a little while to help me cope with these feelings. i felt relieved and yet guilty all at the same time. guilty in the sense i need medicine to handle being a mother but, after thinking about it. i don't feel that anymore. i think this will really help me along with my heavenly father and family support. if this is what i need to help me so be it. i don't feel ashamed for having to take medicine. i wont be on it forever. it's because of this lovely lady i can be 100% open about this. thank you alexis for being open about your ppd journey.
there are days when i feel great and then i have days where i don't even know how i function. i don't know how i do it but, i do. i felt like i needed to share this for anyone else who thinks they are suffering from this. this is all new for me and i hope you can help me and love me through this new journey. if any of you have any tips or questions about postpartum please email me at erykaann88@gmail.com.
xoxox
e
xoxox
e
I love you babe! :)
ReplyDeleteEryka, you are awesome for sharing this. Don't feel guilty or bad about it at all (although I know it's hard not to!) Being a mom is so unbelievably hard, especially that first year--and I only had to deal with one infant at a time! I can't image how exhausted and emotionally burnt out I would have been with two! I struggled with anger and depression after Joshua was born, but I never let myself think it was PPD. I wish I had and I wish I had asked for help instead of trying to white knuckle through it. You are brave for asking for some help and I think you did the best thing for you and your babies. You're an awesome mom. :)
ReplyDeleteI admire you for sharing this. Being a mom is no easy feat. I struggled with ppd after I had Ruby and I was literally consumed by the guilt of having another (surprise) baby when my first baby was still a baby herself. I wish I would have asked for help, because the first three months after she was born was really hard on our marriage and I think I could have been a better mom to my girls if I hadn't been too prideful to accept help. You are doing a wonderful job and those two little babies are so blessed to have you as their momma. Hang in there and know that you are not alone, and most importantly, that things will get better.
ReplyDeleteI remember the first day home from the hospital I was crying my eyes out and feeling SO stressed and overwhelmed by everything and I said to my husband "how on EARTH do people have twins???" I honestly cannot even fathom having two infants at once. You are a superhero in my book just for that.
ReplyDeleteI've had serious depression for most of my life. I was on Prozac for three years and that seemed to help most the time. Because of this I was at really high risk for PPD. Luckily, by some god-given miracle, I have been able to avoid it so far. But I know your struggle and understand it entirely. My depression was at it's worst when I was planning my wedding and I kept asking myself "Why am I so unhappy when the greatest thing in my life is happening right now??"
It takes a lot of courage to admit things like this and you are so so brave. The medicine will help. You aren't less of a mom for needing medicine. I needed medicine just to be a carefree teenager. But it's okay. It's nothing to be ashamed
(Sorry for the novel. <3)
Oh my heart hurts for you, I just had one that screamed all the time, being a new mom is the hardest job EVER!!! I seriously would put her in the crib lock the door and take a little walk. I'm sure people would say that was a bad mom, but at that time I understood child abuse. I would cry all day because all she did was scream. The Dr's said babies cry. CRAP!! My 6 checkup I scheduled an apt to get my tubes tied, no way was I doing this again (worse thing I ever did). I don't think medication was for new mom's. CRAP!! I wished I was strong enough to go elsewhere. My daughter is now almost 15, and in some ways I think it effected our bonding. Not that I don't love her but I don't feel we have a bond I know other's have. Granted when she was almost 3 mths old we got into a car wreck where I was almost killed and was basically a way from her for 2 mths. Even after that me holding her for a long period of time wasn't something I could do.
ReplyDeleteYou getting help and talking about it shows how good of a mom you are. Be strong and enjoy those babies, looks like you are doing an amazing job! And ask for help if you need it, nothing wrong with that. HUGS!!!
I'm sorry you are struggling!! Being a mom to two babies - at once can it be easy! I definitely have days where I don't shower, or stay in my Jammie's, don't leave the house, don't change my shirt after being spit up on, etc. I think we all do. My best advice for you is advice I take myself - be the best mom YOU can be, don't worry about how other moms appear, we are all in the same boat. And so what if you need to take meds for a short time to achieve that, it's better than ignoring it. Good for you for standing up to post partum depression. Hang in there Hun, it will get better.
ReplyDeleteyou are a GREAT mother, and although i don't know you- i look up to you for raising TWO adorable babies!! being a mother is tough but so rewarding all at once!! Stay positive it gets easier and the post partum will go away! :)
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Eryka! You're not alone! As I type this I am in my pajamas, not showered, laundry all over the place and I just ate my lunch at 3 pm....kettle corn and fruit snacks. Haha, this isn't a rare thing for me and I don't have twins. You are literally a super hero in my eyes! Thank you for posting about this. You are so brave. Being a mom is wonderful, but it is really hard. Especially with the pressures of social media weighing on us. We need more real posts like this!
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post so similar to this after I had my Ezra. SO many women go through this, and so few voice their experiences. I had SUCH a hard time learning how to be a mom. I still do. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I can tell you that it does get easier. It's never EASY, but it's easiER than the beginning. They WILL sleep longer. I remember feeling like I would never sleep again. I still feel that way sometimes. Haha. I don't know if you're breast feeding, but it got a lot better for me when I stopped after 9 months. Your hormones are still all over the place because you're still not back to your normal self. Things will never be the same, but I promise our Heavenly Father will strengthen you. I've become such a humble, patient (mostly ha) person through learning to depend on Him every day. Sorry this was so long! If you ever feel like you need to just talk about it with someone, please email me! You're such a great mom! Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeletekaylie.hooser@gmail.com
Such great thoughts. I think the image of a perfectly put together new mom is crazy. The only people I know who are really like that have a whole lot of hired help to take care of everything else. I get so overwhelmed and terrified when thinking of being a mom that I can't even imagine how you do it with two little ones. You are basically super woman in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteHahaha ^ that was me. Whoops.
ReplyDelete